Dear Cloaked Home Buyer,
Great news has arrived for you!
The recent provincial budget came with an excellent incentive plan for all of you wishing to invest the income you earned from the sweat of your brow and the toil of your minions who stand on rainy street corners in the dark of night selling fentanyl. You can wipe the grime off your profit on the Sunshine Coast.
Whether you pack it in a shipping container or filter it through your favourite loan company in China, you can continue to bring that cash into British Columbia. Thanks to the myopic new budget you are encouraged to hop on the ferry and park those muck-covered bills in the beautiful towns of Gibsons, Roberts Creek, Sechelt, and the charming communities farther north on the Coast.
Finance Minister Carole James announced last week that the government would hike the foreign home buyers tax. Starting in 2016, it was levied at 15 percent in Greater Vancouver. B.C. plans to raise the percentage to 20 and spread the tax to the Fraser Valley, Okanagan and Vancouver Island. That may put a plug in your accumulation of piggy bank homes in those areas. But don’t despair.
Obviously James was thinking of you, esteemed buyer, when she left the Sunshine Coast open for business.
Our view homes and waterfront estates are ready for your inspection—although you don’t need to bother to inspect them. We realize you’re way too busy managing the cartel to visit those homes before or after you buy them. You may be buried in work at the drug lab, or perhaps you’re on holiday, gambling the proceeds from your last cocaine shipment at a casino somewhere in the world. No matter, you are welcome here.
Our homes are such a bargain; why not consider buying 40 of them? It may be harder for CSIS to find your numbered company if you spread your assets around. Looking for a dozen or two fixer-uppers? We will find you a contractor that can pack the drywall with cash.
The budget came just days after B.C. Attorney-General David Eby recognized your practice of buying houses though private lenders “under a cloak of secrecy.” The budget’s omission of a foreign buyer’s tax on the Sunshine Coast suggests that it plans to push the shroud to Vancouver’s nearest untaxed neighbour. Prices here will ramp up soon, so don’t waste time. We can work with your lawyer—whose money cleaning isn’t tracked by Canada—to speed things up.
Yes, dear cartel owner, your home purchases are welcome here. They will fit in well with our Sunshine Coast culture. We’re used to seeing empty homes during Air BnB lag time. No one will notice the extra two months vacancy you throw in.
Sincerely,
your friends from CACH
Rains on The Coast 
This is really good! I think satire is your gift!
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Thanks!
This would be hilarious if it wasn’t so depressing. Well done!